The Synchronous Converter

This morning, as usual, I was pressed for time. I had to be to my “9 to 5″ especially early and I woke up late. Instead of rushing around more than I already had been, I thought I would take the time to finish my “getting ready for work rituals” in the car. After all, I have seen countless others in my rearview mirror and beside me in their cars do the same, so why can’t I?

As I grabbed my things, I raced out to the car and started on the 32-minute commute to work. As I was brushing my teeth, I realized, I had no place to spit out the toothpaste foam that accumulated in my mouth. So, I rolled down the window and masterfully drooled down the inside of my car. Crest and saliva dripped down the inside of my car door into the power lock and window switches. At least my car has a minty fresh scent to it. I took a swig of orange juice and remembered what vomit tasted like.

Not having a lot of time to worry about my toothbrushing experience, I figured I should do my hair next. One of the nice things about owning a Pontiac Vibe is the 110 Volt AC plug built into the car. Perfect for my wife’s hair dryer. Red lights were spaced perfectly to allow me to safely dry my hair. I wasn’t about to dry my hair with a towel in the car. That would be just dangerous. The hair paste and styling of my messy spiky hair went off without a hitch.

The final thing on my list to do before work is shave. Now, I won’t really go into a lot of detail, but I will say that this was the hardest task of my commute. I made it to work with a little time to spare and the only evidence that I was really hurried this morning was a hairdryer on the passenger seat, dried drool on the driver’s side door and shaving cream with beard stubble on the floor mats.

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Over the years I have learned many bits and pieces of wisdom and knowledge. I wish to share this valuable experience. 1. Don’t eat cottage cheese or spinach for lunch unless you bring a toothbrush to work with you. The same goes for eating broccoli. 2. One advantage to old age is if you change your mind about giving an item to a relative and take it back, you are not an Indian giver; you are senile. “Forgive Granny. She is senile.” If you forget something, you have “old timers disease.” This can work against you, too. My daughter told me that I promised to watch her children one Saturday and I could not remember but didn’t want to tell her that. Later, thinking back, I was sure that I didn’t make that promise.

When children are little they think mom and dad know everything. Then when they become teenagers, they know everything and mom and dad don’t know much. When the youngsters turn twenty, all of a sudden the parents get smart again. The offspring actually start being nice to you and hold conversations with you and acknowledge your existence. There is a reason. I just figured it out. It is not because they are no longer difficult teens. It is because you are the only one old enough to buy beer.

Puzzle: I water, fertilize and mow my lawn. It is brown and dead. Green grass is growing in my gravel driveway where we drive over it all the time. Maybe I should just park on my lawn and water my driveway.

Granny Marge has been writing all her life and just published her second humor book, Granny’s Journal. She has a column in the local paper, The West End News, called “Excerpts from Granny’s Journal.” Her first book is “Have I Ever Told You How Much I Hate People? Written by Two Little Old Ladies With No Friends.” Marge is the library director in a small town in the Northwest. She has five children and fourteen grandchildren. She belongs to the West End Misfits Writer’s Group. She was born in Los Angeles in 1944 and went to school in Alhambra. when she grows up she wants to be….

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